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Monday, July 5, 2010

WWW= WHAT WENT WRONG ?!?!

PART 1
She was just browsing through her favourite social networking website, checking messages and peeping into the links of her friends to see if any of her girlfriends has had an affair or if they were about to break up or any spicy gossip that she was yet unaware of and which she can possibly ignite! At the same time she was listening to the new rage “Hips don’t lie” by Shakira and shaking to its catchy beat. Now she was smiling meaningfully at the sms she just received which said “Come online sweetheart, I am dying to talk to you”. Her reply, “I am already here Darling, waiting for you since ages!”. In moments a window popped open on the messenger and she became excited to see her “friend” online –ready to be drifted into another 3-4hour long episode of Alice in wonderland!
The chatting session was always like a large dose of magic potion that eased away all the tensions of the day riding her mind and made her look starry-eyed to the future that lay ahead!
They used to talk on all different topics, initially starting with a comparison of their likes and dislikes as they had listed on their social site. They discovered that they were addicted to messaging, which led to an exchange of phone numbers. From then on a talking session always followed the chatting one into midnight. Those were the most exciting days for both of them. They shared the same thoughts about most issues. They talked about their interest, friends, hobbies, careers. Finally they planned to meet which ultimately led to the discussion of marriage. She had always known in her heart that he was her Mr.Right. He seemed good-looking in his display pics and was educated enough to support her afterwards. She guiltily used to check his open messages for any sign of flirting with other girls but she never found one .She was relaxed and amazed and then sometimes tensed over how to keep this perfect man with her for ever!!

A couple of meetings and 6 months later the two got married. It was unbelievable. From the phone calls to family meeting to date fixing. Everything just seemed to follow through. The parents were easily convinced they both belonged to an educated, broad minded family background. They were given a right to choose their spouses early on in their lives. They both were in love. Pure love. They knew each other perfectly. There was hardly any issue that remained disguised between them. People called them soul mates.
Until the wedding night….
PART 2
It was the moment that they both had waited for. He felt calm. She was nervous. After changing into normal clothes, he was to do his part with grace and expertise gained through lots of research as well as hose boyish advices from married friends. Suddenly he sensed that something was wrong. She seemed disturbed and was shaking slightly.
“Are you cold? Should I turn the A.C. down honey??

“ No. It isn’t that”. She said in a meek voice after a long silence. “I am just not ready!” and a silent tear rolled down the corner of her eye.
He was shocked! Not even in his worst dreams had he thought of seeing his beloved cry on the first touch. After cajoling the pretty doll some more and not getting the desired response he let go of the grace part and became an animal altogether. He had the societal and religious approval for it so why not then? He put a hand to her mouth firmly; suppressing her slight screams of pain and did it to his best! When he was through she was numb and emotionless. He became fidgety, got up, took his cigarette and started smoking in the balcony making circles in the air. A long silence prevailed. A pregnant silence….
She tried to gather her wits and collect her body.
An hour passed. He came back.
They both slept again with their back against each other.
It was a night they had always dreamt of.
It was a night that they wish they would forget. Now !
What Went Wrong? They both wondered!
They used to plan of a life full of love and care. Their dreams seldom touched practicality. When they talked about their life together they seemed to float on a thick cloud of romance. It never occurred to them that the practical life which everyone spoke of around them was not limited to the hassle of home, job, finances and security, but some other things as well which were largely left unspoken. They never thought that the closeness they both yearned for also came with a lot of compromise and a willingness to understand the needs of your partner. Respect is not only for a person’s emotions, mind and body, but for the basic human desire as well which needs to be controlled from turning into animal appetite.
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This short real-life anti-climax may seem difficult to digest by readers who have yet to attain connubial bliss and they take it as fiction rather than a glaring, staring hard fact of the foundation of marital life. Whether arranged or love marriage a couple has to face this point. Ignorance is not always bliss. No matter how much we love a person this issue cannot be ignored as it is a basic human need. When this is not mutually agreed upon all love is lost that was easily built before marriage. No amount of love and care means more to a woman than the respect a man gives to her body. It is believed that a woman gives her body to get love while a man gives love to get her body. It’s a common complaint that females resist the ‘doing it’ decision on the first night while the male stands bewildered ,having been allowed by moral standards ,thinking, “Wasn’t this the ‘thing’ she also wanted ?”
What is pure love then? Does it exist or all love is towards the satisfaction of a basic human desire? Here’s a factual tangent to this topic.
What’s happening in this world is that people are not exactly falling in love. They are confusing infatuation with emotions that are just skin deep. Behavioural experiments have shown that there is no such thing as love-at –first-sight. Infact when people were shown face pics of opposite sex looking at different angles at the camera, the same face was termed more attractive with an in-the-face stare rather than when looking sideways. Meaning we are drawn more towards people who make eye contact irrespective of how really good they actually are. Hence the compatibility part is easily ignored.
As far as the internet scene is concerned you may not even know if the person in pics or in written declaration is the ‘real deal’ or just how he/she wants you to perceive him/her. It can also be that people do continue to adore the person they fall head-over-heels in love with at first sight. However, it can also be that later on they discover that it was actually the style of talking or material well-being that initially attracted them and helped in staying attracted for good! Only if Lady Luck, decides not to be ‘so-lady-like’ and puts them through a trying time do they realize that they never were compatible! One of these utterly non-serendipitous test is that how much you are getting married to a ‘gender’ and how much to a ‘person’. To put it bluntly, whether you want a ‘soul-mate’ or a ‘body-mate’.
PART 3
This article is an attempt from a girl who is yet to see that point in her life but supplemented with views of her peers and experienced people it forced her to take upon a social issue-a Social Taboo as you may call it. What is taken as animated stories by newly-wed girls and a poking joke by un-eligible bachelors is usually something that is condemned by law. But like most taboos no one accepts it is even there! Yes, we are talking about the grave issue of Marital Rape. A term that makes you grimace just by reading it out. We are not just talking about not using contraceptives and creating unwanted babies without the consent of the ‘body’ which is their first home-that too is one of the issues that may be brought to light later.
"NO" means NO !!
Marital Rape means a rape by all means a non consensual attempt that leaves the female not only physically and sexually but emotionally bruised but one in which the male is religiously permitted to do so. But religion, in the twisted sense as it always has been taken, is kept at bay along with the rights of the woman to deal with her body. What happens is when the two people are not comfortable at the climax of their intimacy then it’s likely to creep into their day-to-day affairs too not to mention getting worse in every other similar attempt.
What men don’t understand is that they need to be gentle and to underplay the whole scene with a romantic rather than a sexual outlook. Holding hands, talking, and cajoling all might work, but pressurizing and commanding won’t and once done it would make something die ….deep down inside her forever. She becomes mechanical and starts thinking of her man as a giant municipal truck with its jaws opening and closing to pick the debris that lays ahead-her body. Until her emotions are involved,her body doesn’t ease up or respond in the desired manner. Those who had their bio lessons in high school know what this means precisely. So a tip to remember is ‘Value her emotions’ not ‘your actions’ -or the law comes after you !
Well! What the heck? If you are in Pakistan you shouldn’t even be reading this article there’s no red-zone for males.
Now comes the issue of a having a queue of heirs. Men say, “Why not?” Mostly middle-class or less-educated males (forget the illiterate ones) are found with this psycheThey have this dogged belief that a larger family is a proof of their masculinity. As if he gets a star-shaped badge every time the baby-making-machine (trust me there is one in process every hour in your area) is at the hospital for churning out the end-product. Even the well-educated, religiously inclined men say, “Contraceptives are not allowed in religion. Period!”. Well I am not a scholar by any means to give them a backed-up answer. All I ask is “Why not ‘control’ your desires then?? You don’t have to suffer. She does. For you it may just be 9 minutes. For her 9 months! Can’t you see? Can’t u feel? DID YOU EVER TALK TO HER ABOUT IT ?”

Well I once found this aunty-type religious activist telling my mom, “All my boys were in the million march. Oh yeah, all 9 of them. They are going to be Mujahids you know. So the more the merrier!”
Well the last part is right. I have seen their mighty merriment, prancing around and playing hide and seek in the march, running away from Tarawih in the middle, and exploding fireworks on sacred nights! Oh and yes, the occasional fractured hand or bruised leg which they ended up with while fighting off the other non-religious party guys was justified by being termed as Ghazis. Hence sometimes even women try to cover up their huge family by giving shallow justifications. What type of brain set these unattended kids will have and how will they be able to create an image of an educated Muslim is another issue altogether. No wonder some of them are easily brainwashed to spread terror in the name of religion.
Coming back to the actual point it is believed that all procreation is an enhancement of Muslim race so the womenfolk may as well keep their willingness out of the scene. I just have this one question to answer all the claims.” Muslims were in most need of men when they were fighting with kuffars in mekkah. They were in a ratio of 1:3 or maybe less, the Holy Prophet (SAW) had 13 wives, from them only 4 daughters. Can anyone tell me how many sons he had? Or even grandsons (besides the 2 we respect most)? Why doesn’t any religious male quote his lifestyle while discussing kids and all? How he used to treat his women? What he told Muslims to follow for the right of women?”
Post Script:
Women were created to bear children, but they are also physically weaker than men and it is completely permissible in Islam for a woman to take care of her health first in case she suffers after multiple deliveries. The desire of the man is also known and perhaps that is why a man is allowed to have 4 wives. However in times of today when finances are barely enough to support one family, men need to understand that although Muslim women are commanded to obey their husbands by all means, but in any case a wife cannot be abused(hurt) by a man as that is punishable by law and the Almighty.
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16 comments:

quratulain zahid said...

i am a lawyer and your blog might be very useful for me in my job's everyday needs in understanding the people. thanks!

CATGIRL said...

hey,,,thanx Ms.Zahid! i did not know a person of your prestigious profession can learn something from my blog. i feel greattt :-)))

Anonymous said...

nice start bro!

thank you for Ur posts on VoK.

laylamirza-1616E said...

bravo!highlights common dilemma for spouses unwillingly destroying a relationship made of love, trust.

CATGIRL said...

hey anonymous..am not a BRO..cant u see catGIRL?? :SS
@layla : thank u sweetheart!

Leviathan said...

Congratulations!!! You made wedlock sound like an absolute misfortune.

I am thinking, perhaps it is worth the effort to circulate the article in question to my close acquaintances who are mighty excited about their marriage prospects,

And I say to myself, why not! it is definitely worth it.

Always a spectacle to admire; shaking ppl out of their convictions!

Am I being flippant, perhaps so. Many I know consider it a vice and a form of impertinence in character,

I rather consider it a virtue and wear it on my sleeve,

Moreover, it is very kind of you to consider law, and specimen who practice it, as a 'prestigious profession',

Your conception of virtue must be as good as mine!

I view virtue as a man would view a mirror reflection in an upside down posture,

I view the lawyers likewise!

CATGIRL said...

@ Levi : Ummm..Well actually this article ain't exactly about marital prospects from the first step. it's about THAT thing which is never discussed and which HARDLY any girl accepts after marriage.
Like Incest, this issue will always be pushed under the rug by people. our society considers it a Taboo to discuss a Taboo. We believe in closing our eyes to burning issues "out of sight, out of mind" -- is our philosophy..... and those who come out with it- a girl like me- will first be judged for her chracter and then her speech..and sometimes labelled "cowboy mullah "???ehhh ??!!!

Leviathan said...

Hmm, perhaps someone needs a new zipper on his lipper! I mean, word really goes around in this neck of the woods.

I am of course, referring to the term 'cowboy'.I hope the mademoiselle in question take it as a compliment, thus hold no grudge.

I am sure you would agree that there is a lighter side of life irrespective of however bleak things may be around us.

Not everything should be taken in spirit of war or combat of course.

Marriage Counselor said...

Assalamoalaikum,

Our Ummah definitely needs more guidance regarding this important subject. The topic of marital relations is one that many people of knowledge feel highly uncomfortable talking about. For some reason, it has taken on a taboo status, despite the fact that desires of intimacy are natural and it should be fulfilled in the light of Quran and Sunnah i.e by getting married.

It is a serious endeavour to tackle these sensitive matters in a clear and concise manner. Fulfilment of sexual desire and needs are key in sustaining a harmonious marital relationship. However, in today’s society, sexual boundaries are being pushed further and further, and often, sexual deviance is openly practised. In such circumstances, there is a need to identify which sexual activities are permissible in Shari’ah. Islamic Guide to Sexual Relations is a serious endeavour to tackle these sensitive matters in a clear and concise manner.


To read the topic in detail. visit the link given below:


http://www.facebook.com/board.php?uid=124373667104#!/topic.php?uid=124373667104&topic=14532


http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=124373667104&v=app_2373072738#!/topic.php?uid=124373667104&topic=15925


http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=124373667104&v=app_2373072738#!/topic.php?uid=124373667104&topic=16032


Dua (prayer) for a righteous family


May Allah give all believing men and women, married or looking to marry, the towfeeq (grace) to be the ideal Muslim husband and the ideal Muslim wife with His Divine help and guidance.


The Importance of a good wife to her husband (and of course vice versa) is Great to Allah (God). Nothing can illustrate the point better than the Qur'anic statement which describes the righteous people as those who pray:


"Rabba-na hab la-na min azwaji-na wa dhuriyyati-na qurrata a'yunin wa aj'al-na li al muttaqin imama"


"Our Lord! give us spouse and children who will be the joy( and the comfort ) of our eyes, and guide us to be models of righteous (make us Leader of God-concious people). " (Qur'an 25:74)


May Allah bless all present and future marriages with love, happiness, peace, and success. Inshallah,you will be blessed with God fearing spouse.

Aamen!

CATGIRL !! said...

THank you Marriage counsellor...Your reply was the most comprehensive and close to my heart....you dont know how honoured i feel !!And whatever links u gave me i have already read those..THanks agin for the precious info!

Saanj said...

Hey there ,

Am glad you left behind your Url on my blog because I found a lot of info that I learnt from in your blog.Very informative n well presented.God bless!

Marital Rape definitely is a well hidden evil that lies in our asian societies , one that is taboo n is hushed up just because it comes under the cover of the marital license .

Keep up the good work !

CATGIRL said...

hey SAANJ.... i wanna see ur blog... ur blog has been disabled from access... kindly change ur settings as soon as u read my reply...
thank u sooo much for commenting!

Zee said...

sad. but true. voicing the unsaid fears and thoughts of a lot of girls out there.

an amazing piece of work!! thumbs up!

Zee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
pRasad said...

I completely agree with you.. :) Men needs to be much more gentle and respect females by all means..Especially when they "so-called-own" female after marriage.

CATGIRL !! said...

hey SAANJ and Prasad,
i hav shifted my blog to a new URL.. kindly FOLLOW there

www.relationships-catgirl.blogspot.com